Some Kind of Wonderful

This is (obviously) the German-language poster for this movie, the title of which translates literally to Is She Not Wonderful? but would probably be Isn't She Wonderful? if we were translating to something that actually made sense. But what I particularly like here are the taglines: "They show feeling and have fun. Her whole world is turned upside down" (literally "on its head"). What does that first part mean? I really can't figure out the colloquial version of "show feeling." Also, no one in this movie shows their feelings except maybe Emo Stoltz, who is, like, constantly drawing in his journal and brushing his hair out of his eyes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is CALIFORNIA]
Eric Stoltz: Gee, I wish I didn't have to work in a mechanic's shop to earn my college money, especially because I don't even want to go to college.
His Dad: YOU'RE GOING!! You would be the first person in our family to go, and it would make me proud, son.
Eric Stoltz: Whatever. I'm just going to look at that pretty, popular girl, the one I love from afar.
[he GAZES at Lea Thompson and also at his GREASE-SMEARED HANDS that indicate his SOCIAL POSITION in relation to HERS]
Mary Stuart Masterson: Come on, best friend! Let's drive to school in my Mini, a car that proves I am quirky! Also I have a boy's haircut.
Eric Stoltz: I'm just so emo about that popular girl.
[he EMOS AROUND, but in a HOT WAY]
Elias Koteas: Aww, poor baby can't get the popular girl. Boo hoo.
[he FUCKS with them and gets DETENTION]
Eric Stoltz: Get lost, skinhead.
[meanwhile, at his HOUSE]
His Teen Sister: Why are you so weirrrrrrrrrrd? Everyone at school says you are. But I want to be popular!!
Candance Cameron, his baby sister: Look how precocious I am! Here are some facts.
His Parents: College!
Eric Stoltz: Why do you all have to be UP ON ME all the TIME?! God!
[he EMOS around some more, and SKETCHES Lea Thompson from AFAR, because that is NOT CREEPY AT ALL]
Lea Thompson: My boyfriend is hot, but kind of a jerk. Oh well, I'll skip class to bone him anyway.
[she gets DETENTION]
Eric Stoltz: I know!! I'll get detention so I can hang out with her!
[his plan BACKFIRES HORRIBLY when she basically HITS ON a TEACHER to get out of it]
Elias Koteas: Now we are stuck in detention together, sucker.
Eric Stoltz: I see you are carving something in that desk. Perhaps we can find common ground in our artistry.
[Elias Koteas RIPS OFF the top of the DESK he is CARVING to SHOW Eric Stoltz and they have a MOMENT]
Eric Stoltz: I think I'm ready to ask out the popular girl.
Mary Stuart Masterson: Please. You're too shy, and she's too bitchy, and I'm too in love with you. I mean...I'm not in love with you. At all. You're my best friend!
[she uses SOME DUDE to try to make him JEALOUS]
Some Dude: Everyone thinks you're a lesbian, you know. I think it's the haircut and the bad attitude.
Mary Stuart Masterson: Shut up. My friend will be back in an hour.
Some Dude: Do you know how much damage we could do to each other in an hour?*
Mary Stuart Masterson: Ew.
[meanwhile, at the MALL, because this is CALIFORNIA, after all]
Lea Thompson: I'm sick of you, rich jerky boyfriend! I just might dump you, you know! Your access to these white, pleated, 10-inch-inseam Bermuda shorts is REVOKED.
Rich Jerk Boyfriend: Ha! Who'll have you?! You're sloppy seconds now! Hot, 17-year-old sloppy seconds.
Eric Stoltz: Will you go out with me?
Lea Thompson: Yes. And this is not at all related to the fact that I am trying to make my rich jerk boyfriend jealous.
[everyone SPECULATES for, like, DAYS about whether she is PULLING HIS LEG by agreeing to DATE him]
His Teen Sister: This is crazy. Why the hell would she date you?
His Mom: Is she nice, at least?*
His Teen Sister: Mother, the girl is sex.*
Candace Cameron: Gross.
Mary Stuart Masterson: She's trying to trick you! I'd bet my hands.*
Eric Stoltz: I wouldn't take that bet.*
Mary Stuart Masterson: Look. The only things I care about in this goddamn world are me, my drums, and you.* So you can take it or leave it.
Eric Stoltz: Leave it? I guess? I mean, your hair is pretty bad.
His Teen Sister: I overheard the rich jerk talking in the mall. They're going to beat you up at the party on Saturday. I want to be popular, but not bad enough to get you pummeled.
Eric Stoltz: Then I have a plan. It involves using all my college money to buy some earrings. This will all make sense in a second, I promise.
His Dad: It better, you idiot. COLLEGE MONEY!!
Eric Stoltz: DAD I'M NOT GOING TO COLLEGE. GOD.
[Saturday ARRIVES and Mary Stuart Masterson is CHAUFFEURING them around on their DATE, because that is a FUN TIME and would not KILL HER SOUL at ALL]
Eric Stoltz: First, I will take you to the finest restaurant. Then, I will get you into the art museum after hours, where I have hung a portrait of you that I painted from memory, since I have been gazing at you forever. Then, we shall proceed to the band shell, where we will talk about our lives.
Lea Thompson: Ugh. Why are you so nice? You don't even know me. You're using me just as much as I'm using you. What is that hanging in that museum? My SOUL? No, it's my FACE.*
[all the WHILE, Mary Stuart Masterson WEEPS ALONE on the STEPS of the BAND SHELL]
Eric Stoltz: Well, time for the party and some comeuppance of someone.
[they GO to the PARTY and CONFRONT the rich jerk, who is about to PUMMEL Eric Stoltz until...]
Elias Koteas: I didn't realize the rich jerk lived in a henhouse. Must be a henhouse, because I see nothin' but CHICKEN. SHIT.*
[he and his POSSE look THREATENING, which is usually enough to SCARE rich jerks]
Lea Thompson: Oh, and?
[she SLAPS the rich jerk and it is AWESOME]
Eric Stoltz: Well, I guess we took care of him! Or Elias Koteas did, or whatever. So now we can kiss!
Lea Thompson: Wait. This ending is too much like Pretty in Pink. Maybe this time, the quirky, funny friend can end up with the dreamy, yet poor protagonist.
Eric Stoltz: This will give hope to unrequited crushes everywhere!!
[he RUNS after Mary Stuart Masterson and they KISS and it is GREAT but you kind of WONDER how he got over Lea Thompson SO QUICKLY]
Mary Stuart Masterson: Hooray! I don't need boobs or a good haircut to get a man!
Eric Stoltz: Here. The earrings represent my future, and now you are my future, so you should put them on.
Mary Stuart Masterson: Wait, what? Okay. I guess this is still part of your still-unexplained, nonsensical plan?
Eric Stoltz: Yes. Now shhhhh.

50 First Dates

[it is HAWAII]
A Bunch of Random Women: I spent an amazing week with this dude in Hawaii! But he can't be tied down because he's a [random lie goes here].
Adam Sandler: Yep, that's right. A different girl every week. That's how I roll. That, and being a vet at some sort of Sea World-type place.
[some HIJINKS occur with some SEA CREATURES, including a VOMITING WALRUS]
Adam Sandler: Now for some breakfast!
[he SEES Drew Barrymore and INSTANTLY falls in love with her]
Adam Sandler: My ways have changed upon seeing her.
Drew Barrymore: Join me for breakfast! Let's be adorable and build things out of waffles! That is how you can tell I am childlike and quirky!
Large Hawaiian Diner Employees: Don't you hurt our favorite customer!
Drew Barrymore: Meet me here tomorrow.
[he DOES, and it turns out she has a SHORT-TERM MEMORY disorder]
Drew Barrymore: Who the fuck are you!?
Adam Sandler: Whaaaaat?!?
Her Dad: Don't mess with my daughter.
Sean Astin: Don't meth with my thithter. I have a lithp.
[they TRICK her into thinking she has NOT had a TERRIBLE ACCIDENT and watch "The Sixth Sense" EVERY DAY]
Adam Sandler: But I like her so much!
[he does a SERIES of TRICKS so he can SEE her that involve his PET PENGUIN and ROB SCHNEIDER]
Rob Schneider: Thanks for still giving me work, buddy.
Drew Barrymore: Wait a minute! I have a head injury?! I can't remember more than a day? This is terrible!!
[she FREAKS out, but the next day she FORGETS so it's COOL]
Adam Sandler: I love youuuuuu!!
Drew Barrymore: Please don't bother me anymore.
[she goes to live in a NURSING HOME for HOTTIES with BRAIN DAMAGE]
Adam Sandler: I can't live without youuuuu!
[he FINDS her and she has been PAINTING him from her DREAMS]
Drew Barrymore: You're the man of my dreams.*
Adam Sandler: I sure am!!
[they live on a BOAT and he studies FISH or something and they have a BABY and every day she watches a VIDEO to be like HELLO YOU HAVE BRAIN DAMAGE but somehow it is HAPPY?]

The Object of My Affection

[it is NEW YORK]
Paul Rudd: Boo hoo hoo. I am so cute and gay, but my boyfriend dumped me. Woman I just met at a party, can I stay with you in your unrealistically huge 2-bedroom apartment?
Jennifer Aniston: Of course! But you will have to put up with my comically brash boyfriend.
Cousin Ira from Mad About You: Aaaaaaaayyyyyyyy!! That's me!
Jennifer Aniston: Sigh. I'm so cute and my boyfriend is so gross! This gay dude is way cuter.
[they take BALLROOM DANCING at the COMMUNITY CENTER she works at with OLD PEOPLE and it is ADORABLE]
Jennifer Aniston: A gay best friend! Now I have one! I'm not sure how I made it this long in New York without one!
[they do GAY things like eat ICE CREAM and watch OLD MOVIES]
Jennifer Aniston: Oh shit, I'm pregnant. Don't tell anyone, especially my boyfriend.
Paul Rudd: But what if I go out for coffee with him, like normal gay guys do with the boyfriends of their roommates?
Jennifer Aniston: In the unlikely event that that happens, still don't tell him.
[he DOES do that, but he DOES NOT tell him]
Allison Janney: Hello! Your sister and her husband are here and we're rich!
Alan Alda: And we're ready to hang out!
Cousin Ira from Mad About You: And I am also dropping by!
Jennifer Aniston: So many people! Let me get a fan!
Paul Rudd: You shouldn't be carrying a fan in your condition!
Cousin Ira: "Your condition?" What could that possibly mean?
Allison Janney: It means she's pregnant, you idiot.
Cousin Ira: Woooooooooo! I'm gonna marry you!
Jennifer Aniston: No! I'm not sure why I was even dating you in the first place! Get lost! Forever!
[everyone is CONFUSED]
Paul Rudd: Come on, pregnant lady. Let's go sort out your feelings on a roller coaster.
Jennifer Aniston: This roller coaster sure is helping my morning sickness! Also, I want you to raise this baby with me, like you were its dad.
Paul Rudd: Uh, that is a terrible idea.
[he sees a FATHER and SON and changes his mind about MAJOR LIFE DECISIONS based on a game of CATCH]
Paul Rudd: Okay, I will raise your bastard child with you.
[they GAY around some more]
Jennifer Aniston: Tell me more about your sexual history, since gays and ladies like to dish. Who'd you lose your virginity to?
Paul Rudd: Lisa Jane Parnell.
Jennifer Aniston: A woman!! So there IS hope!!
[she tries to MAKE OUT with him, which is the SECOND WORST IDEA EVER]
Paul Rudd: THANK GOD THE PHONE IS RINGING GET YOUR BOOBIES OFF ME
Tim Daly: I miss you.
Paul Rudd: Oh. Hello, old boyfriend. You hurt me, but I will go away with you for the weekend, because that is a rational thing that people do.
[he DOES, and shares a LAUGH with another GAY when his EX is talking BOMBASTICALLY about PERFORMANCE ART]
Baby Gay: That sure was funny when that guy talked about theater. So gay! Ha ha!
Paul Rudd: We are so gay together! I forgot how much fun it is to be gay sometimes after hanging out with that pregnant lady so much.
[meanwhile, at Allison Janney's SUMPTUOUS MANSION]
Allison Janney: I don't like how you're in love with that gay. That's stupid.
Jennifer Aniston: You're crazy! I'm not in love with him! I totally did not try to make out with him at all. I am not delusional, not in the least.
[he CALLS]
Jennifer Aniston: Oh my god, I miss you so much because I love you...the way straight ladies are supposed to love gays. You know, I love you like we both love shopping. Please, let's go back to Brooklyn.
Paul Rudd: Though this baby gay I just met has lovely blowjob lips, I will return to you, as I am a gay of my word.
[they both go HOME, but she gets MUGGED and a NICE POLICEMAN gives her a RIDE and LOOKS at her with CARING in his EYES]
Nice Policeman: She's pretty, but it looks like she is in a relationship with that gay-looking man. Oh well.
[they have THANKSGIVING]
Baby Gay's Old Dude Friend: Just FYI, Jennifer Aniston: you have an all-gay Thanksgiving dinner. So what's gonna happen when all those gays go away? You're just going to be a sad old fag hag with no one to love you. Ya burnt.
Jennifer Aniston: Thanks, old gay. I have come to my senses.
[literally the NEXT SCENE]
Jennifer Aniston: Well, delivering a baby was hard, but she's here now! And I am somehow okay with Cousin Ira being back in the picture.
Cousin Ira: I'm a joint custodial dad! Woooooo!
Jennifer Aniston: But you should probably move out, Paul Rudd. I'm done with being a fag hag, because that is The Worst.
[eight years LATER]
Paul Rudd: I directed a play with the baby, who is now eight, in it!
Jennifer Aniston: I'm so glad you're in my life, but that I'm not in love with you anymore, and instead am in love with that nice policeman from before.
Baby: I have so many caring adults in my life! Having gays around is great, but being in love with them is not!

Guest Post: St. Elmo's Fire

This movie is basically just "hey! A bunch of actors you know from the 80s! Do we need a convincing plot? Probably not." But Laura McClain tries to make some sense out of it anyway.
~~~~~~~~~
[it is GEORGETOWN]
Voiceover: I knew the seven of us would be friends forever. Even if there is no way in hell this motley crew would ever associate with each other.
[it is a HOSPITAL]
Ally Sheedy: Oh no! Our friends have been in a car crash. Let’s take this opportunity to clumsily establish our characters. I am a yuppie who dresses like a grandmother.
Judd Nelson: I am a young politico superstar! And your douchey boyfriend.
Demi Moore: I am a party girl with massive credit card debt!
Emilio Estevez: I am a squirrelly law student!
Andrew McCarthy: I am a cynical would-be novelist!
Mare Winningham: I am a pushover, and also fat. And pathetic. And a virgin.
Rob Lowe: I am the bad boy. Note my badass feathered hair and dangly earring. I also have a wife and kid. Sorry I totaled your car, fatty.
Mare Winningham: No biggie! Don’t mind my head gash. Do you need money? I love you!!!
[they all GO to ST. ELMO’S, their FAVORITE BAR]
Andrew McCarthy: Life sure is rough after graduation.
Ally Sheedy: Totally! So many big life questions.
[they GET WASTED]
Demi Moore: So I have to pay for my stepmonster’s funeral. But I spent all my money on fur stoles and tacky 80’s décor. I’m so quirky!
Judd Nelson: Yes, you are. Now please go away, so I can bully my girlfriend into getting engaged to me.
Ally Sheedy: I need to have something for myself first!
Andrew McCarthy: Marriage and love are for suckers. I’m so deep.
Everyone: I think Andrew McCarthy is gay.
[he is PROPOSITIONED by a WISE HOOKER that MIGHT be a TRANNY]
Mare Winningham: Come on, Rob Lowe. Let’s go to dinner at my parents’ house. We are bff for some reason. I think it’s cause I enable you. Here’s some cash.
Rob Lowe: [gets WASTED and MOCKS her VIRGINITY and SNAPS her 80’s-ERA SPANX]
Mare Winningham: Sigh. I love him so much.
Emilio Estevez: I am in love with that young doctor we saw at the hospital. Her last name is Beaverman. Nobody will ever make a pun about this, ever. Wasted opportunity.
Andie McDowell: [in a COMPLETE MONOTONE] You seem like a nice guy but you don’t know me at all I am not perfect I am not interested thanks bye.
Emilio Estevez: [ACTS CRAZY and STALKS her some MORE]
Judd Nelson: Hooray, a party at our college bar! Not moving on is the greatest!
[Rob Lowe WAILS on his SAX]
Mare Winningham: This is my new boyfriend. My dad said if I get engaged to him, I get a car.
Demi Moore: Let’s do coke! I’m sleeping with my boss! Pay attention to meeee!
[Rob Lowe’s wife ENTERS with a TRASHY dude]
Rob Lowe: Get your hands off my wife!
Rob Lowe’s Wife: You’re not married to me! You’re married to your friends in the bar!*
[there is a BRAWL]
Judd Nelson: What a crazy night. So, Andrew McCarthy, I’m totally cheating on Ally Sheedy. Don’t tell.
Andrew McCarthy: Love is for fuckos.
Emilio Estevez: I got a job as an attaché to a Korean gangster or something. I’m having a party to impress the Beav.
[there is MAD DRAMA at the PARTY, including SEVERAL breakups]
Ally Sheedy: Thanks for letting me crash with you since Judd Nelson dumped me for not marrying him. Hey, why do you have these unflattering pictures of me?
Andrew McCarthy: I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
[they DO IT and she LEAVES her PEARLS on]
Judd Nelson: I want you back!
Ally Sheedy: Umm…I fucked your best friend.
Judd Nelson: NOOOOOO!
Demi Moore: More coke! Won’t anyone notice my cries for help?
[she DRIVES Rob Lowe HOME and he DROPS her KEYS into his PANTS]
Demi Moore: I needed a friend tonight!*
Andrew McCarthy: Let’s move in together, Ally Sheedy!
Ally Sheedy: SHUT IT DOWN.
Rob Lowe: I think I want to get a job on our college campus, cause I never really wanted to leave to begin with.
Frat Boy: Cool. You can buy us drugs.
Everyone: Growing up sucks!
Ally Sheedy: Help me, Judd Nelson! Demi locked herself in our apartment after everything was repossessed due to her shady credit! It is the biggest disaster ever!
[everyone FREAKS out]
Andrew McCarthy: She has locked herself in the room with all the windows open! It’s chilly outside! She’ll DIE!
[they try to BLOWTORCH the WINDOW, and Judd Nelson THREATENS to KILL Andrew McCarthy, and you’re like CALM DOWN, EVERYONE]
Rob Lowe: As the biggest fuckup of all, I am the perfect person to talk Demi off a ledge. Demi, it’s just St. Elmo’s fire. This metaphor makes no sense. Much like this movie.
[they LAUGH because EVERYTHING is SOMEHOW OKAY]
Mare Winningham: You saved her life!
Rob Lowe: I know. And now I’m going to leave my wife and baby and go to New York. I hope I can find someone fool enough to let me play my sax.* But before I go, I’ll deflower you, sensitively.
[he DOES]
Rob Lowe: Bye, guys. Thanks for not holding me accountable for my shitty behavior, or making me pay back my staggering debts.
Everyone: We love you, Rob Lowe! You are the greatest guy ever!
[he LEAVES with his BELOVED sax STRAPPED to his BACK]
Ally Sheedy: I choose me. Cool?
Judd Nelson & Andrew McCarthy: Sure. Whatever.
[they all GO to BRUNCH but not at St. Elmo’s, cause they have GROWN UP]

10 Things I Hate About You

Update: I knew this would happen eventually. I swear, I searched my archives as thoroughly as I could before writing this. (Okay, I just searched "Stiles" and nothing came up.) But I've actually done this one before, over two years ago. Enjoy how my style has evolved since then!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is SEATTLE]
Julia Stiles: I don't give a damn about my bad reputation, as you can tell from this Joan Jett song blasting from my socially-unacceptable car.
Alex Mack: I care! I care so much! I want to be popular!
Joseph Gordon-Levitt: Oh man. She's so hot.
David Krumholtz: Put her in your spank bank, man.* She can't date unless her sister does. It's like The Taming of the Shrew...but in high school! How wacky!
Joseph Gordon-Levitt: Wait! I know! We can get someone to pay someone to date her sister and then she can date me, because I am charming.
Generic Hot Dude: That would be me. I have money, and am stupid. Now I will draw a dick on your face to prove my alpha male status.
David Krumholtz: Okay.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt: Now, who is crazy enough to date the sister?
[they see Heath Ledger SMOKING in class and hear RUMORS about him KILLING people and EATING LIVE ANIMALS]
David Krumholtz: It's perfect! He's so surly and antisocial! And probably poor!
Generic Hot Dude: Here is some money. Please take out the sister of the girl I like.
Heath Ledger: Though I have literally no vested interest in your problem, and the amount of money you are giving me is negligible considering the amount of effort I will likely have to put into this ordeal, I accept your offer.
[he goes to a ROCK SHOW for a LOUD GIRL BAND to WIN her AFFECTIONS]
Julia Stiles: I hate you, I think.
[she RUNS into the Generic Hot Dude's car for FUN]
Generic Hot Dude: My social status! Nooooooo!
[there is a HUGE PARTY]
David Krumholtz: I'm thinking about getting a Tercel. Yeah, that's a Toyota.*
Julia Stiles: I am so bored by the rituals of adolescence. I will drink a lot to assuage my boredom.
[she dances on a TABLE to "HYPNOTIZE" and everyone is like WHAT]
Alex Mack: I think I like that Generic Hot Dude.
[he does something DOUCHEY, as that is his FUNCTION]
Alex Mack: Oh wait, no. He is lame.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt: Nice guy score!!
Heath Ledger: You are drunk. I will help you.
Julia Stiles: I reject your patriarchal value system!!
[she BARFS on him]
Julia Stiles: Thanks for helping me. Let's kiss.
[he REFUSES because he is a GENTLEMAN, but she thinks it is because he DOES NOT LIKE her]
Julia Stiles: Now I hate you!!
Heath Ledger: I must regain her favor!
[Heath Ledger sings "CAN'T TAKE MY EYES OFF OF YOU" with a goddamn MARCHING BAND as he PRANCES on the BLEACHERS]
Julia Stiles: He has won my heart back, though I have never expressed an interest in grand gestures, marching bands, or The Four Seasons. I will free him from detention by flashing the soccer coach.
[she DOES]
Generic Hot Dude: You need to go to prom with the older sister so I can bone the younger one.
Heath Ledger: I am starting to have doubts about this plan and its long-term effectiveness, since I have begun to actually like the older sister, but your money is so convincing.
[he plays PAINTBALL and exchange INTIMACIES with Julia Stiles]
Heath Ledger: Go to prom with me, though neither of us will like it.
Julia Stiles: You are forcing your societal expectations on me! I reject them! And you!
Alex Mack: Why do you hate everyone so much?
Julia Stiles: I had sex with the Generic Hot Dude, and he turned out to be a dick, and now I am suspicious of everyone, always. Oh, and that whole thing about our mom deserting us didn't exactly help.
Alex Mack: Just let me make my own decisions!! God!! I'm going to change into a diaphanous gown and sit on the tire swing and just HATE YOUUUU!!
Julia Stiles: Perhaps I will go to prom...for her sake.
[they GO, and of course SHIT GOES DOWN and people get PUNCHED and secrets REVEALED]
Julia Stiles: Now I will read this poem I wrote about you in front of the whole class, because that is a thing that real high school students do.
Heath Ledger: I was a jerk, and to make up for it, I spent the money I got from that Generic Hot Dude on this Guitar for you.
Julia Stiles: Now I love you again, because you got me a guitar.
[LETTERS TO CLEO plays on the ROOF of their SCHOOL for some reason]

Note: Allison Janney is also in this movie, and she is GREAT, though she is in it for, like, a second. Cat!