Mmm, Oscar Nominations

So they increased the number of Best Picture nominees this year for some reason, making my attempt to see all of them even more difficult than in past years! Here they are, anyway.

• 'Avatar' - ugh. I mean, that's where we all are, right? Ugh, flying dragon bird things notwithstanding.
• 'The Blind Side' - didn't see it, not planning on seeing it, could probably write a UCM anyway. Think about some of Sandy's other work in the meantime and marvel at her longevity.
• 'District 9' - I saw this, really liked it, and must have dreamed that I wrote it up.
• 'An Education' - the girl from this is very cute. And we do love the Saaaarsgaaaaaaaaard.
• 'The Hurt Locker' - on my list of things to see. I LOVE that Bigelow also directed this gem.
• 'Inglourious Basterds' - if we ever get our OnDemand fixed, I'll watch it.
• 'Precious' - I guess I should see it. Fine. I GIVE IN. Mo'Nique has charmed me with her class and hairy legs.
  
• 'A Serious Man' - I do like the Coens, but I haven't seen this one yet.
• 'Up' - oh. So lovely.
• 'Up in the Air' - another one I have seen but haven't yet written up. It is very different from this Clooney venture.
  

Guest Post: Nine

From a chat dated 1/11/10:

Laura: so what will be the first UCM of the teens?me: oh man, i don't knowi saw sherlock holmesLaura: oh godhow's that?me: i've just been watching so much jersey shoresherlock holmes is finelike, not expectation-breakingthere were many punchesand slight gayness/hottness
and like quick cutsLaura: lolwell, that's somethingit's manlyyet gayyou need to see nineme: i know!Laura: because i need to hear your opinions on its awfulness

It is now over two weeks later and no Sherlock Holmes for you, my lovelies. But my darling guest poster Laura McClain has provided you with a breakdown of what everyone I spoke to said was dreck: Nine. Be Italian!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is the GLAMOROUS 1960s]
Daniel Day-Lewis: Watch me smirk and smug my way through this grainy black and white press conference footage.
Audience: This movie looks so artsy!
[he GOES to a SOUNDSTAGE in the DARK]
Daniel Day-Lewis: I will smoke soulfully and rub my brow. Acting!
[a SEDUCTIVE figure MOVES from the SHADOWS and KISSES him]
Audience: Art!
[SUDDENLY, 50 lingere-clad chicks APPEAR and start GYRATING while TOSSING their HAIR like EXTRAS in a WHITESNAKE video]
Audience: Oh, right. Rob Marshall directed this.
Daniel Day-Lewis: Sigh. I’m at such a crossroads in my life. I’m a world-renowned director with a bevy of beautiful women living in Milan. However, my facial stubble indicates my despair.
His Producer: Come to work, Guido. You must direct this movie, as it is your job.
Sophia Loren: Hello, my son. I am a ghost here to try to explain why you’re fucked up about women? Or something? At least I’m authentically Italian.
Daniel Day-Lewis: My life is too empty! I must run away to a spa.
[he DRIVES his SPORTS CAR up the SIDE of a MOUNTAIN in MILAN and you’re like “boo fucking hoo, Guido”]
Daniel Day-Lewis: Alone at last! Now, to sulk in the spa.
[the PHONE RINGS]
Penelope Cruz: Hola, Guido. I will sing you a sexy, sexy song while writhing in my Victoria’s Secret underthings.
Daniel Day-Lewis: Ah, my mistress.
[the PHONE RINGS AGAIN]
Marion Cotillard: Bonjour, Guido.
Daniel Day-Lewis: Ah, my wife.
[he goes and CHILLS with Judi Dench, his COSTUME DESIGNER and IMAGINES her SINGING a FOLLIES number]
Daniel Day-Lewis: Oh dear. Why do I only daydream in glitzy production numbers? Gaaaay.
[he REMEMBERS how Fergie SHOWED him her BOOBS when he was a CHILD and then HUMPED a CHAIR and THREW sand in his FACE]
Fergie: You know there’s a problem when I’m the best performer in your musical.
Penelope Cruz: Hey! I’m here in my trashy mistress outfit! I love you Guido, though you are extremely unlovable!
Daniel Day-Lewis: Eeeek! You go stay in the dilapidated motel next to the train station. We’ll have sex there. But you have to put on whore makeup first.
Marion Cotillard: Hi, honey! I decided to come join you on your spa retreat!
[she SINGS a DIGNIFIED song in an ATTEMPT to SAVE the MOVIE but it is TOO LATE]
Penelope Cruz: Here I am, in my hooker heels. I’ll just sit near you and your wife having dinner. Not obsessive at all.
Marion Cotillard: Guido! For shame!
[she STORMS off]
Daniel Day-Lewis: Oh man, my wife is so pissed. A trip to the bar will cure what ails me.
Kate Hudson: Heeeeeeeeey Guido. Why am I here? Man, I look orange and bloated.
[she SINGS the WORST SONG ever RECORDED to SEDUCE him]
Daniel Day-Lewis: Wait a second….that’s Kate Hudson.
[he RUNS AWAY]
Penelope Cruz: You bastard! You ignored me and put me up in a hovel! Now I will kill myself.
[she DOESN’T]
His Producer: Hey, could you stop fucking everything in sight for like, two seconds and come make this movie? Your star is here.
[Nicole Kidman and her FROZEN FACE enter]
Daniel Day-Lewis: Ah, my Nordic muse with her mangled Australian accent.
[they GO for a CAR RIDE and she SINGS a SONG about how he is her EVERYTHING and you’re like “Really, everyone?? This guy?”]
Nicole Kidman: I don’t want to be your fantasy anymore, Guido. PEACE.
Daniel Day-Lewis: I have to find a new star. Beloved wife whom I constantly cheat on, will you come watch screen tests of nubile Italian women with me?
Marion Cotillard: Yes, for some reason.
[they WATCH a SCREEN TEST where he HITS on more CHICKS and it REMINDS Marion Cotillard of when she was a SUCKER and FELL for HIM]
Marion Cotillard: DONE. Now, to remove any remainder of subtlety from this movie.
[she DOES a RAUNCHY striptease that REPRESENTS their MARRIAGE or SOMETHING]
[a YEAR PASSES]
Daniel Day-Lewis: Sigh. All alone. Clearly I have changed, as I grew a beard and am chilling with the Dench in a non-sexual way.
Judi Dench: Go get your wife back. Make a boring art film.
Daniel Day-Lewis: Brilliant!
[he GOES to the FILM STUDIO and once again HALLUCINATES about LADIES in their PANTIES, only now everyone is looking at him all BENEVOLENTLY and it is WEIRD]
Marion Cotillard: Oh Guido! You have truly changed!
Daniel Day-Lewis: Yes. Yes, I have.
[he has NOT]

Avatar

[it is THE FUTURE]
Sam Worthington: Hey guys. Remember me from that new Terminator? Sorry about that. Anyway, I'm back, and I've got a slightly better American accent. But only slightly. I'll be doing a fair amount of voiceover, since exposition is hard. Basically, we're in the future, and I'm in cryogenic storage, and I'm going to take over a mission that my late identical twin brother started. He was a scientist, and I'm a soldier.
My Roommate Tina: Wait...is this the movie?
James Cameron: You better BELIEVE this is the movie!! I just had to get all this explaining out of the way first.
Sam Worthington: Right. So one time I dreamt I could fly, which is super-weird, because I'm totally in a wheelchair. DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING, DID YA?!?!
[he goes to a DISTANT PLANET to be a MERCENARY or something, though he is a CRIPPLE]
Stern Commander: You little maggots aren't going to last long in this hostile atmosphere! You need an air mask here! Here is some more information about it! In a stern tone!!
That One Hot Nerdy Guy from Dodgeball: Oh boy! Science!
Sigourney Weaver: Yes. Science. And more exposition. See, what we've done here is create an avatar, which is a creature that looks like the indigenous people that live on this planet, that has a neural linkup with ourselves. And they're super-expensive. And after that one scientist died, we found out he had an identical twin, so we're gonna just, like, throw him in the avatar. And then we go teach the natives English. Because English rules.
Dodgeball: I can't wait to do some science!
Sam Worthington: My brother was the scientist, not me. I'm a soldier.
Sigourney Weaver: Oh HELLLLL no! Where is that sniveling corporate scumbag who runs this place?
Giovanni Ribisi: Right here, doing a character voice and putting golf balls.
Sigourney Weaver: How DARE you bring in this soldier to my science mission? We are here for science. SCIENCE!!
Giovanni Ribisi: Well, I'm here for this highly-valuable rock: unobtainium.
Sigourney Weaver: Wait - is that really what it's called?
Giovanni Ribisi: Yes - unobtainium.
Sigourney Weaver: This is a joke, right, Jim? It's called "unobtainium"? Really?
James Cameron: DO NOT QUESTION MY WAYS. Besides, "MacGuffinium" sounded too obvious.
Sigourney Weaver: Fine, let's just get in the avatars.
[they get in a BOX that has a LINK to the AVATARS, which are like EIGHT FEET TALL and BLUE and BEAUTIFUL]
Blue Cat Sam Worthington: OMG I can run you guys!! But I couldn't before!! Because I am paralyzed!!
[he RUNS AROUND and it is COOL]
Blue Cat Dodgeball: We have to do some science! Let's go!
Michelle Rodriguez: Yeah!! I'm gonna fly you to the science place!
[they go into the FOREST, which looks pretty much like an EARTH FOREST, except all the CREATURES are CRAZY COLORS]
Blue Cat Sam Worthington: I think I'll just wander over here and look at some possibly-hostile plant life on this unknown planet.
[a HUGE FUCKING CREATURE that is AWESOME chases him through the forest and he gets TOTALLY LOST]
The Rest of the Team: Well, shit. We lost him.
Blue Cat Zoe Saldana: Too bad I'm in this blue cat form. Because I'm super-hot even in real life. I'm still hot as a blue cat, though. Wait a minute! Who is that? I will shoot him with my arrow!
[a BLOSSOM lands on her ARROW so she doesn't SHOOT him because ladies be loving FLOWERS, and then she SAVES him from some CREATURES because she is NOBLE]
Blue Cat Sam Worthington: Thanks for not shooting me, and also for saving me from the many creatures in this fucking incredible-looking forest. How much did that phosphorescent tree cost?
Blue Cat Zoe Saldana: Like $20 million. Now, stop bothering me. You are like a baby!*
[he FOLLOWS her to the village through the COOL-ASS COMPUTER FOREST]
Other Blue Cats: Get this Dreamwalker out of our village!!
[they speak in their BLUE CAT LANGUAGE, so there are subtitles in PAPYRUS, one of the WORST FONTS]
Blue Cat CCH Pounder: Do I have the best name ever? Yes.** Am I your spiritual leader? Also yes. And do I think this Dreamwalker will be a welcome addition to our tribe? ...maybe. My daughter will teach him our ways. If they fall in love while this is going on...I would not be surprised.
Blue Cat Zoe Saldana: Mo-ooooooooommmm!!
Blue Cat Sam Worthington: Looks like you're stuck with me, g'day? I mean - uh - I'm not Australian.
[his AVATAR goes to SLEEP, so he WAKES up in his REAL, BROKEN body]
Sigourney Weaver: Oh good! We have an insider! Now I like you, though you are a soldier and not a scientist.
Stern Commander: I also can use you for my own purposes. Find out information to get those fucking natives away from the unobtainium! I want to blow some shit up! I can get you the use of your legs back. Just saying.
Sam Worthington: I would really like the use of my legs back, so I will act as a double agent.
[he LEARNS the ways of the BLUE CATS, which include riding HORSE ANTEATER things that they CONNECT to via their PONYTAIL NERVE ENDINGS]
Blue Cat Zoe Saldana: Someday, you will be ready to ride one of those crazy dragon bird things. Also, and this is just side information, my grandfather's grandfather once rode the biggest, craziest of all the dragon bird things, in a time of great sorrow. It is very rare. I'm sure it won't happen again anytime soon.
Blue Cat Sam Worthington: That's good to know. But let's ride some of those regular crazy dragon bird things around for a while and flirt whilst we do so.
[they DO, and it is GLORIOUSLY BEAUTIFUL and COOL]
Blue Cat CCH Pounder: You are ready to be initiated into our tribe.
[there is a SURPRISINGLY TAME ceremony]
Blue Cat Zoe Saldana: Let's go to the tree of souls, which cost $50 million. That is where we can listen to our ancestors. Also, we can totally make out there.
Blue Cat Sam Worthington: Hot.
[they BONE and it is BLUE CAT HOT, but then they almost get RUN OVER by a BULLDOZER]
Giovanni Ribisi: Yeah, bitches! I'm destroying your lives! Woooooo! Corporations!!
All the Blue Cats: Noooooooooooooooo!
Sam Worthington: Look, I know you guys have unobtainium to...uh...obtain...but these are people we're talking about! You can't just run them over!
Giovanni Ribisi: I just did, bitch!!
Sam Worthington: Give me one last chance to convince them to move. I know I've had three months to do this, but I think this extra hour will REALLY seal the deal.
Blue Cat Sam Worthington: So, I'm really sorry, but I sort of betrayed all you guys? At first this was just an assignment, but then I learned about you and your way of life, and everything changed and now I feel bad.
All the Blue Cats: Boooooooooo! We hate you now!
[the BAD GUYS blow up their TREEHOUSE and it is actually pretty SAD while also being FUCKING AWESOME]
Michelle Rodriguez: Although I am in the military, I don't like this. I'm turning my future helicopter around, which apparently has no consequences, though I'm disobeying a direct order?
[she ALSO breaks the SCIENCE PEOPLE out of JAIL because she is MORAL or something]
Sigourney Weaver: Oh, good, now we can go back to our forest base!
Stern Commander: Not if I can help it!!
[he BUSTS outside with a HUGE GUN and NO AIR MASK because he is fucking BALLS-OUT PISSED about the SCIENCE PEOPLE doing their SCIENCE]
Sam Worthington: Suck it, Stern Commander! You can't shoot us! We're in a helicopter!
Michelle Rodriguez: Plus, we're going to the Flux Vortex, and their instruments won't work there.
Sigourney Weaver: Really, Jim? Flux Vortex? It's like you're making fun of your own movie.
James Cameron: DID YOU SEE THOSE EXPLOSIONS? No one is gonna care that there is something called the Flux Vortex.
Sigourney Weaver: This is just getting silly. I'm out. Everyone, I've been shot.
Sam Worthington: Shiiiiiiiiit. No one can help us now but the tribe! And the tribe won't trust us unless I do something EPIC. I know! I'll ride that biggest, craziest dragon bird thing!
[he DOES, and it RULES SO HARD]
Blue Cat CCH Pounder: You have re-earned our trust with your taming of the biggest, craziest dragon bird thing. Now we will listen to you.
Blue Cat Sam Worthington: Okay, but first can you put Sigourney Weaver's soul in her avatar body for real? I bet that tree can do it.
[they TRY by going to the phosphorescent TREE, but it FAILS because she is TOO INJURED]
Blue Cat Sam Worthington: Our only option now is to fight. I'm going to band together all the tribes!!
Blue Cat Zoe Saldana: Hottttttt.
[they launch a HUGE ATTACK on the CORPORATION and the MILITARY and it is SUPER FUCKING COOL]
Michelle Rodriguez: Ow! My everything! I got blown up! But I died nobly!
All the Blue Cats: Run away! They are going to defeat us and our simple way of life!
Eywa, the Deity of the Blue Cats: Nuh uh!!
[ALL the CREATURES in the whole FOREST come to their RESCUE, a la CINDERELLA and those MICE, but with WAY MORE AWESOMER CREATURES]
The Corporations and the Military: Now we are the ones being defeated! What? Oh, how the tables have turned!!
Stern Commander: Guys, we can't have this movie end without a final battle, hand-to-hand, between the good guy and the bad guy, can we?
Blue Cat Sam Worthington: No way!
[they FIGHT and it is PRETTY COOL because the Stern Commander is in like a ROBOT SUIT that is SWEET]
Blue Cat Sam Worthington: Ow! My real body! It's dying because the bad guy poked holes in the box I'm in!
Blue Cat Zoe Saldana: I will save you, for I love you, even though you betrayed our people.
[she NAILS the bad guy with a HUGE ARROW and it's PRETTY AWESOME]
Sam Worthington: I see you.*
Blue Cat Zoe Saldana: I see you.* Wait, is this weird? That you're human now? And I'm like literally three feet taller than you?
Sam Worthington: It's cool, baby, my human form is dying anyways! Remember earlier when we tried to transplant Sigourney Weaver's soul into her avatar? I bet we could try that again! But this time it will totally work!
[it DOES, and is LUMINESCENT]

**not actually true, as S. Epatha Merkerson technically holds this title. But we can let CCH have her fun.

2009 Year in Review, or: This Blog Has Lasted Longer Than Any of My Relationships

Dang, you guys! I've been writing this blog for a long time! I have not one, but TWO year-in-review posts (the lazy girl's kind). So, here's another one. It's the first line (or lines, if I want) of the first post of each month.

January:

[it is the FABULOUS SIXTIES]

Doris Day: My! I have SUCH a fabulous life here in New York City, with my amazing single gal pad and drunken maid!

February:
[it is the 80s]
Richard Dreyfuss: Oh no. This story in the paper says something about my childhood friend. Ah, memories...

March:
[it is VIRGINA]
Elijah Wood: Look! A heavenly body I don't recognize! What could it be? I will ask my friend, the professor of astronomy in Arizona.

April:
This was actually already published a while back on this blog. But I love it so, and I need you guys to read it again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is the 1960s]
Kelly: Give me my money, you bastard!!!

May:
If you're a regular reader of this site, you probably have, in equal measure, an appreciation for and healthy skepticism about big, obviously-commercial HOLLYWOOD MOVIES.

June:
[it is NEW JERSEY]
Michael Cera: I'm sensitive and hairless! I have so many indie rock band posters on my walls that they are actually part of the structural integrity of my home!

July:
[it is THE PAST]
Old-Timey Newsreel: ...and so this explorer guy went to this place in South America with a bunch of dogs in a zeppelin.

August:
I know I piqued your interest many moons ago with this post regarding the FIFTY PACK of movies I got, and then wrote one post on ONE movie of the fifty in the pack, leaving you wanting more and never giving it to you. Tease.

September:
Yo, I don't know what I was doing in September. I suspect I have a good excuse as to why there aren't any posts from that month. What that is excuse is, I don't know. Let's just look at this picture of Taylor Lautner (here's one of Salma Hayek, in case you prefer the ladies).

October:
Most romantic comedies I can deal with. Some are actually cute and inoffensive and make you want to be adorable all day long. Some are maddeningly stupid, but have funny parts and a likable cast and you're like "fine, whatever." But some...some are so cliche-ridden and so offensive to basically every sensibility I have AND also promote horrible, horrible societal expectations (see last line) that the people responsible should be taken out and shot.

November:
[it is LA]
Keanu: I am a super-awesome FBI agent! Just see how I can shoot many things and get a 100% on my shooting things test!
[some guy gives him a THUMBS UP]

December:
Frequent guest contributor Laura McClain, head of the Weepy Epics Department here at UCM, realized we hadn't had one in a while. Beware: this movie is, like, majorly depressing. But she's made it hilarious! Magical.

A Single Man

[it is 1962]
Colin Firth: Every morning I get up. And I do a bunch of things that one does in the morning. And it is all shot very beautifully. But it does not matter, because my partner of 16 years is dead. And I want to die too.
[he goes about his BUSINESS, but in a BEAUTIFUL way]
Colin Firth: Class, let's talk about invisible minorities. This is my way of secretly telling you I am gay.
Full-Lipped Student: I respond to your secretiveness, and your gayness.
[Colin Firth DRIVES past his NEIGHBOR'S house in SLOW-MOTION and pretends to shoot their son]
Jon Hamm (on phone): Hi. This is a flashback to when you found out your lover was killed in a car accident. Since it's 1962, you can't come to the funeral, which seriously sucks. Sorry.
[it is SERIOUSLY HEARTBREAKING because Colin Firth is GOOD at ACTING]
Colin Firth: I guess I'll kill myself.
[he lays his BELONGINGS out in an ORDERLY, BEAUTIFUL manner]
Julianne Moore: Are you coming over? I just spent like 20 minutes doing my eye makeup.
[there is a CLOSEUP of her EYE for like LITERALLY TWO MINUTES which is actually a REALLY LONG TIME to look at an EYE]
Colin Firth: Yes. I 'll bring the gin. I need to be drunk, because I'm going to kill myself.
Hot Latin Man: Sorry. I broke the gin you just bought. Let's share a cigarette and some longing looks.
Colin Firth: Okay, but I am too sad to make out with you, though you are literally a supermodel.
Hot Latin Man: Let us look at this beautiful sky. Notice how the lighting is incredibly gorgeous.
[there is a CLOSEUP of his EYE]
Julianne Moore: You got here! Look how gorgeous my hair is! I'm so brash! Let's dance around and almost bone, but not, because a) you are gay and b) you are sad.
[there is a FLASHBACK of his HOT DEAD LOVER]
Colin Firth: Okay, but I really need to go kill myself now.
[there is a CLOSEUP of a FLASHBACK of an EYE]
Colin Firth: All right, Colin, old chap. Let's take care of this business.
[he TRIES to shoot himself but CANNOT, so he gets into a SLEEPING BAG because he thinks it will be EASIER or something]
Colin Firth: Okay, that's not working. Better go to the bar.
Full-Lipped Student: Hey. I've been stalking you.
[there is a CLOSEUP of his EYE]
Colin Firth: Oh. That's not weird. I hope you think I'm cool.
Full-Lipped Student: Let's go swimming.
[they DO, and it is BEAUTIFULLY MOONLIT, until Colin Firth BANGS his HEAD]
Full-Lipped Student: Oh. You're hurt. I guess we won't bone.
[there is a BLURRY FLASHBACK that is BEAUTIFUL]
Colin Firth: No, not this time, friend. Looks like I'm going to die. I guess that's what I wanted.
[he DIES and it is KIND of SAD but ALSO BEAUTIFUL]